Honestly there’s just not enough of me to go around which is saying something cuz it’s not like I don’t pack a little extra me around on my belly, hips, thighs and probably earlobes too.
Anyway I gave serious consideration this week to the whole cloning thing despite my husband, daughter, best friend and even my editor remarking that they weren’t really sure the world was ready for two of me.
I followed serious consideration with some not-so-serious investigating into what it would take to self-clone. Closest thing I found were instructions on how to create a deep fake of myself using AI. Fat lotta good that would do me as a deep fake couldn’t do the dishes, feed the animals, run errands, respond to half of the 768 emails and texts I receive daily or write this column. So, here I am — the original me.
Added to the stuff, things and people I interacted with this week was the added bonus of trying to conduct business with virtual AI customer service entities.
The first encounter of the AI type was more frustrating than dealing with most real people, causing me to facepalm so many times I nearly gave myself a black eye.
It was 11:55 p.m. and I was sitting on my sofa with my feet for the first time all day having just turned on a recording of the day’s news when, bam, the power went off. So there I was, in the dark — which is not a completely unusual place for me as I am frequently in the dark — wondering should I just go to bed or take a moment to call the power company and report the outage. I opted for the latter and that’s when the mischief started.
Finding the phone number was easy. I have the power company on speed dial. Now the last time I called to report an outage it was soooo simple. The automated system answered, prompted me to press #2 to report an outage, I simply typed in my address and kabingo-bango-bongo it was a done deal. But as I discovered this week … not anymore.
Now when you call the number after hours it is answered by “Peggy” who is PG&E’s new virtual assistant. Not only is Peggy (too) perky, she’s also hard of hearing. The first three, yes three, conversations with PG&E Perky Peggy went like this:
Perky PG&E Peggy: “Hi I’m Peggy, PG&E’s virtual assistant. Thanks for calling. I understand complete sentences. How may I help you?”
Me: “Need to report an outage.”
PPP: “OK. I can help you with that. First, what’s your account number.”
Me: “I don’t know. It’s literally the middle of the night and I’m sitting in the dark.”
PPP: “I understand. OK, we can look it by your address.”
So, I gave her my address to which she responded: “Thank you. How would you like to pay your bill?”
Me: “I don’t want to pay the bill. I am reporting an outage.”
PPP: “OK. You can pay your bill any time at pge.com. Is there anything else I can help you with?”
Me: “I need to report an outage.”
PPP: “OK thank you for being a valued PG&E customer. Good-bye.”
On the subsequent fourth, fifth and sixth calls Perky PG&E Peggy seemed to understand I was calling about an outage but cut me off halfway through giving her my address telling me: “We don’t have an account matching that address.” To which I responded in a complete sentence: “Well of course you don’t. You didn’t let me finish giving you the address.” At which point she thanked me for being a “valued PG&E customer” and hung up.
Calls seven through 10 were no more successful, though I was now replying to “I understand complete sentences” with “No. No I don’t actually think you do, Peggers.” And answering “How can I help you?” with “You can listen and not hang up on me.” The more irritated I got the more perky Peggy got which really got up my nose.
I decided to make one last attempt. And just as Perky Peggy and I were getting down to the nitty gritty of it all for the 11th time, the power came back on. So I simply said “never mind” to which she replied: “OK. I’m so glad I was able to resolve your issue. Remember, I’m here to help you any time.” To which I responded, “Are you? Are you really, Peggy? I don’t think so,” hung up and went to bed.
The very next day, because I’m a glutton for punishment, I called DMV at around noon. Because half the state’s population is calling DMV at any one time you can’t actually get through to a human person or stay on perpetual hold. The only choice they give you is to punch in your phone number for a call back. So I did. About two minutes later I received a text from another virtual AI assistant named Bill who, I’m pretty sure is Perky Peggy’s second cousin, twice removed. In his text Bad Billy told me, “You will receive a callback at 2025-06-04, 02:35:30 PM, PDT. Do you still want to receive a callback from DMV? Please reply Yes or No.”
“02:35:30 PM? How very precise is that?” I thought as I typed in “yes.” To which Bad Billy responded, “Understood, CA DMV will call you back.”
By 03:35:30 PM I hadn’t received a call so I texted Bad Billy: “I never received a call back.” Which led to the following text stream.
BB: “Understood, CA DMV will call you back.”
Me: “When?”
BB: “Understood, CA DM will call you back.”
Me: “No I don’t think you actually do understand”
BB: “Yes I do.”
Me: “Yeah? So when will I get a call back?”
BB: “Understood, CA DM will call you back.”
I stopped texting and at 04:27:45 when I shockingly did get a call back from a guy who’s name really was Bill, I three-wayed in Perky Peggy just for, you, the entertainment factor.
I was the only one amused but I didn’t care figuring I deserved a good giggle.
